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Got a good joke and want to share it with the world, then this is the place to send it to. keep them reasonably clean and in the best possible taste. Check out 3 pages of crackers on  Just for fun  If you think yours is better then email it in and I will publish it.


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Want to visit some exotic location but wondered what awaits you when you arrive, then go to Malc's Vacations
and sample many different holiday destinations with some great inside info. I have many emails from people who have taken advantage of the tips offered and written to thank me for the no nonsense reviews. I also feature on
Holidays  Exposed and Holidays Uncovered.  It's a minefield out there so don't take a chance, get some info.


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Maybe you want to visit a different type of site than your usual favourites. Go to the LINKS page and have a look at some of my favourites, some are zany and other are just good. One of my most visited ones is the Dr Gloom site, a very depressing Geordie fan who always expects the worst, I empathise with him.



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Nasro and Hasni
Tunisian City Fans









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Scouse Ron











9th January 2005 : After a three weeks rest the lads turned up in good numbers tonight and turned on a feast of flowing football. Three teams, Steve Gerrard, Steve Hart, Dan, Chris and Peter Wallace  faced  Karl English, Nigel Caldwell, Dave, Richard, Robbie and Bud Jackson  with Mary's Moaners represented by Scouse Ron, Bryn, John, Keith Zsu Zsu Mastin and Ian Lemonzic (Disley). First goal of the New Year came from a fine move by the Moaners with all players involved before Zsu Zsu picked out Bryn with a great reverse pass which the Stalybridge man slotted home. And so began another year of vets football with top notch competitive football which I could only enjoy from the balcony due to a back problem. No problems on the pitch though as the goals flew in, Steve Gerrard, Scouse Ron and Bryn with the pick of them. After a flying start Mary's Moaners were looking good but overall Steve Harts team ended the night on top losing only two games although in general it was a pretty even  session. Goal of the night had to be Nigel's when Steve Gerrard fired a shot straight from a kick off only to see it smash into Nigel and rebound into his opponents net, all good stuff.
We also had a cracking night at the White Hart on Friday when sixteen of the lads turned out for the Xmas get together. Plenty of good crack, lots of liquid refreshment and some nice food provided by Ev and Mike. Keith presented numerous awards and we all lifted our glasses to Harry Martin who shared a pint or two with us before he left this weekend for New Zealand. Harry will be missed but hopefully will stay in touch and give us an insight into vets down under.
DID THAT BALL CROSS THE LINE : Download now for new evidence to prove the ball wasn't over the line.

16th January 2005 : After a week off work with a bad back and chest infection I was chomping at the bit to get to the leisure centre tonight for my first football of 2005 and was well chuffed by the great turnout. Bryn, Ron, John, Keith and Matt for the moaners Steve Gerrard, Steve Hart, Chris, Tony, Peter and myself  with a third team of Karl, Nigel, Disley, Dave, Bud and Richard. So it turned into a six a side session which was in fairness popular with some and not with others. Space was tight and ball players like myself and Zsu Zsu had to work extra hard to create space for our playmaking. Only one player in my opinion fully conquered the cramped conditions and that was Matt who played as aggressively as I have seen since he joined us. I resorted to a blatant body check on him at one one point which he shrugged off with a nod of a man who knew he had proved his point. Lots of other confrontation tonight to keep us on our toes but overall the lads were all up for a good game and that's what we all got. Steve Hart scored the goal of the night, one of a hat trick against the moaners which surprised us all and probably himself. Dave also curled in a superb shot into the top corner and Matt popped one into about every corner of both nets during the course of the evening. Steve's team just about edged it tonight with only 2 defeats, both by the moaners the last one being a good old 5-1 thrashing. We are very fortunate to get so many good 5 a side sessions on a regular basis and hopefully our new players who are all contributing well, are going to carry on the tradition and keep supporting the Sunday nights. 
APPEAL - I am still happy to accept guest reports, if you wish to make a point or just have a crack let me know and I will post your work the same night (preferably before midnight Sunday) Please moderate language.

23rd January 2005 : After watching City lose to the Baggies yesterday I thought about the effort my so called heroes put in and compared it to the vets Sunday night sessions. No contest really, the vets put them to shame. They certainly did tonight with another excellent session. Bryn, Scouse Ron, Karl, Disley and Peter represented the Mary's moaners who unloaded Zsu Zsu to join Robbie, Dave, Bud, Richard and Nigel.  I played in our regular team with the two Steve's, Chris and Tony. Overall the Moaners just nicked it tonight with six wins to our five with Zsu Zsu's team notching three with a few draws between us. Ron's goal from his own half looked to be the pick of the evening when he looked up, picked his spot and bent a corker onto the top corner, then Zsu Zsu struck probably the best goal I have ever seen him score to better it. After a fine flowing move Dave crossed a ball waist high the width of the hall and Zsu Zsu met it on the volley at speed, it flew in past the astonished keeper and was met with applause from all, a real snorter from the old cockney hippie....
No John tonight but maybe his spirit entered the fray when Richard ("Rocky"), seemed to be possessed when he clattered Chris into the wall as they both chased a loose ball. A fair bit out of character but who knows what got into the lad?

30th January 2005 : A distinct lack of Mary's Moaners this week with only Zsu Zsu who was dumped last week in attendance. He joined Richard, Bud and Dan with Disley, Karl, Dave and Peter making up the second team. Steve Hart was injured in the first game and took no further part so Steve Gerrard, myself, Tony and Nigel completed the line ups. After a number of tough tackling games Disley's team nudged ahead and finished that way with two more wins than the other two teams (mainly due to my erratic finishing). There were more drawn games than usual but the standard was pretty good. Tony scored a couple of great goals for my team and Karl wellied one or two of his left footers home but Zsu Zsu Mastin yet again found the net with one of his famous volleys. I think it might be something to do with his huge plates of meat but he does catch the odd one seriously well, it's getting too regular to be lucky.  We had a problem with the refereeing tonight, with the lack of Mary's moaners the problem was - no problems....
The spirit of John the assassin also appeared again tonight as Bud sent Karl rolling and tumbling without touching him, spooky or what? Chris didn't appear tonight after last weeks "assault" let's hope Karl is a little luckier.
The FA Cup was like a damp squid this weekend with the games spread out wider than some of Robbie's shots and there were few surprises. One bright spot this week though was watching Chel$ea dump UniŁed out of the League Cup in front of 67,000 cockney's. Also good to see the ref ignoring the indirect free kick winner that sailed in past the hapless reds defence.... directly!!

6th February 2005 : Watched the glorious blues playing Chelsea away until half time, most impressed and can honestly say the lads were easily equal to the pretenders to the premiership.
Not only is the Pope on his last legs but Mary's Moaners were down to two again tonight as both John and Zsu Zsu were not selected. Instead Ron and Bryn chose Bud, Richard and Matt to make up their team. Karl, Dave, Nigel, Zsu Zsu Mastin and Disley made up the second team with John, Dan, Keith Proudfoot and myself the third team. Matt inspired Ron's team early on  with some neat touches and clinical finishes and looked good for a full house until Dave and Karl carved them up to stop their domination. John got off to a slow start after returning from the Caribbean looking bronzed and fit but when he finally got into things he scored a superb hat trick against Karls team. Dan also got better as the evening rolled on as did Nigel who scored a couple of excellent goals.
Goal of the night was a beaut... Karl sent in one of his left footers and John made half a save with the ball going up about three feet over his prostrate body, it came down on his head but he tipped it up a couple of times before it finally came down off the end of his finger nails and trickled in, much to the amusement of everybody!!! 
I do hope the Pope picks up a bit and that the Mary's Moaners get their real team back together, there's nowt like a win against the Moaners to get you in the mood for the week ahead...  
Next week it's the Derby game against Man UniŁed, can the boys do it again - let's hope so.

13th February 2005 : I was gutted today when my glorious Man City lost to UniŁed in the latest derby game at the COMSTAD. The lads gave it a good crack for three quarters of the game but poor old Richard Dunne knocked in a brace of own goals to gift the points to the rags. There's something wrong in our game when the play has to be held up whilst Ronaldo the Portuguese Poser removes his ear rings and then we're treated to the sight of the Welsh Super Star Giggs taking to the pitch in a pair of fishnet tights. I'll bet he wouldn't last two minutes dressed like that down at the leisure centre on a Sunday night.
We had a decent turnout tonight with Scouse Ron, Bryn, Dave, Dan, Karl, Chris, Steve Gerrard, John, Robbie, Richard, Matt and myself playing six a side with one player dropping from each team and returning on the opposite team (the famous Scouse Ron rotational system). Some good games and good goals but without that little edge we normally get with settled sides. I must admit I prefer a bit of rivalry to get the old spirit going.
Goal of the night was a slick move which ended when Robbie sent John and everybody else, probably including himself, the wrong way to net a beaut...  FA Cup next week if anybody's still interested.

20th February 2005 : Another milestone this week as the first English brothers appeared for the vets when Kevin and Karl English (no pun intended) teamed up with Dave, Robbie and Richard. The Hart brothers from Scotland made a brief appearance a couple of years back but as far as I can remember these are the only brothers to grace the leisure Centre (unless you know different). Mary's Moaners reformed this week when Bryn and Ron welcomed back John and Keith Zsu Zsu Mastin. Steve Hart, Steve Gerrard, Disley, Nigel and myself formed the last team. This was a big improvement on last week with lots of well contested games, tough tackles and a fair old spattering of moaning from Mary's men. Most enjoyable, this is what it's all about although the referees came in for a bit of a bashing.
There were a few unusual incidents during the evening like a misplaced pass by me which Karl accepted with glee before planting it into our net much to the amusement of the watching moaners and the exasperation of my team mates. Then there was another goal from Robbie this week, he's on a run now, and a decent performance to boot from the Baggies man. Great to see Kevin back in the fold his first appearance of the year.  Pick of the goals tonight, Steve Gerrard, Bryn and Richard with some nifty finishes but Karl tested the new nets with some real raspers.
young Craig Mills and his brother played with the vets last year but both being under 20 failed to qualify for the youth squad of the vets so don't really count in the final reckoning)

27th February 2005 : No football this week due to the Leisure Centre running a Cricket Tournament. Because of this I have decided to fly off to Tunisia for a week with Janice. Hopefully we will get a little winter sun and we can look up some old friends. I won't be home in time for next week so I have commissioned a guest writer to report on all the action.

6th March 2005 : Despite initial worrying signs that Mother’s Day was going to reap its mean harvest of old gits returning to the Leisure Centre after a week off, twelve turned up, their women obviously satisfied, to form two rotating squads of six. This rotation system led to great variety as returning players joined the opposite team to the one they had left, reducing both consistency and passion, but this didn’t dull the spirit and unleashed some good performances. Missing from the field of play were Malc, taking a well-earned holiday with Saga, and Zsu Zsu, whose leg injury following an altercation with a wheel brace whilst attending a puncture required him to spend the whole evening in goal (where he excelled). Ghostie made a welcome return after a lengthy lay-off, as did Chris after his earlier bruising, but both need a few more turn-outs to reach their best. No clear MoM, although Dave, Bryn and John-Boy did the business, but mention must be made of Robbie. Despite bringing to ball control what Margaret Thatcher brought to arc welding, Robbie compensates by continuous running, and this paid off in one majestic move which took him from the defending penalty area to a goal at the other end with two slick passes. If Robbie can do it, there’s surely hope for his team, the Baggies, as they strive to stay in the Premiership next season.       Many Thanks to Guest writer Zsu Zsu Mastin for this report.

13th March 2005 : After an excellent week in Tunisia I was really looking forward to this weeks football but, after a fall from a great height at work that felt like a full blooded Scouse Ron tackle, I reluctantly limped down to the Leisure centre more in hope than anything. Still I was surprised to see 17 other players tonight and enjoyed the run out in a three team six a side session (one player dropping in turn from each team). Mary's Moaners snapped up Matt to join Bryn, Ron, John, Stuart and Dave. Chris, the two Steve's, Nigel and Lee were unfortunate to have to carry me tonight in their team. The last squad was Karl, Disley, Robbie, Kevin, Dan and Bud. Scouse Ron scored a couple of quality goals tonight and Bryn scored one from the kick off but yet again Robbie hit the goal trail. Sporting a natty red Baggies away shirt the lad is going from strength to strength. No Zsu Zsu tonight as his efforts to change a car wheel have taken their toll. I think a biro is probably the only "tool" this man can be trusted with, to each his own.
Talking of shirts Ian Lemonzic (Disley) turned out in a retro Pele Brazil shirt tonight, I didn't know they made them that large.  Karl had an off night with his shooting but he did net one pearler near the end but in general the standard of goal scoring wasn't at it's best tonight with too many players trying to copy Freddie Ljungberg's stunning miss in yesterdays FA Cup quarter final.
We can't let this week pass without a mention of Kevin Keegan's decision to leave the glorious Blues, I for one enjoyed the guys stay at City and wish him well in his retirement, and if I have many more falls like the one I had at work this week then I'll be joining him......

20th March 2005 : After watching Liverpool go 2-0 up against Everton I set off for the leisure centre for our weekly dose of 5 a side football. I gave a lift to Matt on the way down and as Scouse Ron sped past in his car we both agreed the old Evertonian would probably be a bit on the aggressive side tonight. It didn't take the lad long to prove  us right as he whacked Robbie into the air and snarled and growled his way through the night constantly moaning at the referees etc. Then just to top it all as the whistle sounded for the end of a game his side had just lost he smacked the ball away in frustration nearly taking Steve Harts head off. A nicer bloke off the pitch you would find it hard to meet but on it he is transformed into a Duncan Ferguson type bully with the verbal control of Wayne Rooney but, that's Ron, what you see is what you get and this week unfortunately Robbie saw it and got it!!
Anyway enough of that, tonight Ron, Bryn, Bud, Matt, Keith Proudfoot and John played David, Steve Hart, Robbie, Keith Zsu Zsu Mastin, Lee and myself. To be fair my side managed a couple of wins and a couple of draws in a pretty one way contest although I personally enjoyed most of the games. Bryn had his shooting boots on and of coarse Matt weighed in with with a goal or three. John was still full of Guinness from his previous night out but still had a decent night as did Proudie netting one particular snorter from an acute angle.
Even Bud found the net tonight on quite a few occasions. For my team we were never at the races but, as John rightly said in the dressing room afterwards, the hospitals are full of guys who would dearly love to be in our shoes no matter how the results go. Robbie came close to challenging that statement tonight!!
NEXT WEEK IS EASTER SUNDAY BUT FOOTBALL AS USUAL : Not only that but it's free... Yes Zsu Zsu has decided to mark this pagan festival of chocolate with a seriously generous gesture. Yes he's decided that for this week only there will be no subs so there's no excuse for anything but a bumper turnout..

27th March 2005 : With England romping home 4-0 against the hapless Irish in the World Cup Qualifier the lads were in the mood for some action tonight. With the session being free it was a huge surprise not to see our old Jocko Steve taking the opportunity to keep his wallet closed but with the expected demise of Scotland's World Cup hopes perhaps he didn't want to share in our success.
Martin Wilde made a welcome return and joined Bryn, Ron, Kevin and Stuart to play against Steve Gerrard, Chris, Proudy and myself. The third team, Bud Jackson, Dave, Karl, Keith Mastin and John. The football tonight was pretty even with all three sides having their moments. Proudy was on scoring form and Martin Wilde chipped in with two very smartly taken goals. Considering his lack of match practice the lad slotted in quite nicely and hopefully will continue to turn up on a regular basis. We now have the makings of a regular White Hart side which can't be a bad thing.  Ron and Bryn were without their runners tonight and as a result lacked a little shine, they were definitely lacking their "Matt" finish.
Wednesday see's England take on the might of Azerbaijan whilst the Jocko's have a break until June when they take on the prodigious Moldova. Walter Smith has lined up a couple of friendlies to prepare them for this make or break clash against B&Q West Lothian Branch and a Coronation Street XI (away). 
Zou Zou is off to Ireland next week for some R&R (rest and rain) but yet again his generosity knows no bounds, it's free again which means he's been charging too much....or he doesn't trust anyone to collect the dosh.

April 3rd 2005 : Some great football tonight with Bryn’s team running riot and the English brothers er… just running into each other. Bryn was joined by Disley, Martin and Kevin English whilst Karl English, Gary, Michael Bud Jackson, Nigel and Dan. Steve Hart, Steve Gerrard, Chris and myself were the first to be stung by Bryn’s team. Although I felt we played pretty well we found ourselves on the wrong end of a 4-1 drubbing. The next game brought together the two English brothers and both gave it a real good go but Karl came out on top winning this game with a great left foot drive. That was the only defeat for Bryn’s team all evening although both my team and Karl’s team ground out a couple of draws. Bryn was for once outshone in the goal scoring department by martin who was on fire (no not the rugby player). Disley and Kevin also chipped in to ensure their team stayed the course all night. Steve Gerrard scored a “Mattesque” type goal when he went past all the opposition players before netting a belter. Karl did his best to rally his team but got a little over enthusiastic when he ploughed into his kid brother as his frustrations got the better of him. A few words were exchanged by the Evertonians and the handbags were at the ready but they kissed and made up afterwards so avoided the need for family counselling.
No Zsu Zsu, John, Scouse Ron tonight but I’m sure all three will be back for next week when I predict a near 20 turnout.
I’m going to have to reformat the old Commodore Vic 20 this week and do a complete reinstall as I’ve picked up more bugs than a tramps underpants. I don’t know, I thought XP was the answer to all these problems but apparently not….

April 10th 2005 : What a great weekend for football, City beat Liverpool at home for the first time in years and UniŁed go down 2-0 at Norwich City (the bottom club in the Premier League). So it was with no small amount of enthusiasm that I arrived at the Leisure Centre for the nights footy. Disley, Bryn, John and Zsu Zsu were tonight's Mary's Moaners with Bud Jackson, Dave, Gary, Dan and Martin making up the second side. Steve Gerrard, Chris, Proudy and myself were without our Jocko leader tonight, he's out in China drumming up business, so we took Robbie into the fold on trial. The little fellow didn't let us down, with his leg now fully recovered from Scouse Ron's attempt to lift the baggie into orbit two weeks ago, he tackled and harried non stop and kept his goal a night ratio ticking over with a late strike. Disley amazed us all, and probably himself too, when he finished off a good move by swivelling on the spot to rifle in a great goal "Lampardesque" style.  There were plenty of good strikes on offer tonight with Steve Gerrard, Bryn and Dave all scoring quality goals. All in all tonight was very enjoyable, Bud Jackson's team played particularly well, moving and passing with ease, Gary and Martin are really starting to look the part with Dan having his best game for weeks.
Zsu Zsu also showed well tonight after his trip over to the bog they call Ireland but oh that kit needs a makeover. What ever happened to the Charlton shirt we bought him? Ever since he left Age Concern his choice of kit has left something to be desired, is this because he has to pay for his clobber now? We need to know.
Cup Semi Finals next weekend, Keith Proudy is off to the Millennium to watch the Rovers rough up Arsenal. Sunday see's UniŁed attempt to spoil Shearer's last hurrah, but for me Newcastle v Blackburn would make a very pleasant change and perhaps set the pattern for the future, a Chelsea, Arse and UniŁed free zone.
PS - If Stevie Hart has internet in China, Hearts are out of the cup mate..... It's Celtic v Dundee United

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