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Scouse Ron used to be a
footballer back in those
days when things seemed to go a lot slower and most players had hair.

Zsu Zsu Mastin in his former occupation as an alter boys nightmare.




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Parking in the Garage
No.10 - Scouse Ron

 1st February 2004 : Another month passes but the Vets march on. I have been watching Fash FC on Sky and admired the innovation of naming a man of the match and donkey of the week and thought this would be a great way to spice up the night for the Vets. I suggested this to Keith Mastin and he agreed that this could be a goer..  So next week I'll ask Keith to pick a Vet of the week and a match Donkey, maybe he will choose these players for a single moment (outrageous skill or just plain bobbins) or a superb overall performance.  I will see if I can get hold of a suitable award to present to the winners to kept until the following week. As for tonight, Steve Hart, Steve Gerrerd, Matt, Malcolm Stubbs, Chris, Harry, Dan, Zsu Zsu Mastin, Paul, Dave Webb and myself had a really good nights footy. Loads of good play and keenly contested games but the goal of the night was the final Golden Goal to decide a 15 minute 5 a side game when Dan left early. Steve Hart crossed for Steve Gerrard to volley home in similar style to one he scored last week, I suspect he's having coaching.

8th February 2004 : Three teams this week with Steve Gerrad, Malcolm Stubbs, Chris and Stuart. Bryn Meredith, John Goodwin, Paul  Garner, Chris Rebbit and Dan Bolton. Keith Mastin, Peter, Harry, myself and new boy Alan. As a trial run the MOM & Match Donkey was judged by myself and new boy Alan ran away with the latter although this being his first appearance it would be unfair to lumber him with it. There was much to be admired in tonight's games, not just the standard of play but the good spirit in which everybody played. Steve Gerrard's team were easily the strongest team on the night with Chris in particular playing as well as I have seen, they only lost one game and drew one which is pretty good. Goals of the night came from Steve yet again with two particularly good strikes after running the length of the hall before slotting home, these alone would have won him the MOM award. Bryn shouldered his teams goal scoring and it was interesting to note that when he was in goals his team failed to score. Solid displays from Malcolm and Peter but on the night Steve grabs our first MOM. As a reward he's off to Majorca for a week. Zsu Zsu is off on his travels again, this time it's Rome and an audition with the Pope. If he is seeking inspiration I feel the old boy in the Vatican is well past his best and Keith would be better off visiting the Marharishi 

15th February 2004 : Still not recovered from City's defeat at Gold Trafford yesterday, I can't think of anything else in my life that can ruin a day more than my football team. Valentines day was a waste of time in my house yesterday especially when Janice pointed out that it was only a game. Still back to the football at the Leisure Centre for another session with the Vets. A good spattering of Blues tonight with Disley, myself and Chris. Scouse Ron, Bryn, Matt, John, Harry and the return of Nigel from his back injury made up a decent 4 a side session with the Scouse Ron rotation system slightly baffling the newcomers. Plenty of well contested games and spanking goals, the pick of them had to be Disley's brace of rockets although Bryn and Matt were the only regular scorers during the night. Good to see Nigel back, this was a tough session for him with no games since before Christmas but he battled through it and lived to tell the tale. Next week should see the return of Zsu Zsu Mastin, it will be interesting to see if his trip to Rome to meet with the pontiff will inspire him to greater heights or will it only serve to further distance him from his Mary's Moaners team mates. A little late in life to for Zsu Zsu to raise the birth control issue with the ailing old Pope but a word or three about Scouse Ron's outbursts may not go amiss. Steve Hart should be back from Texas as well next week plus Steve Geerard from his tanning trip to Palma Majorca. It's amazing where the vets get to during the week, Harry's off to Disney World in Paris this week, I believe the Eiffel Tower covered in snow is pretty spectacular!
STOP PRESS - Don't hold your breath but we could see the return of our most senior vet next week - yes it's the world's greatest lover, Moore now 59 years young. Respect!!!!

22nd February 2004 : Tony Moore decided to go to Benidorm for a bit of sun and the chance of pulling a pensioner on the old "6 weeks for sod all money" deals. Boy did he miss a good night at the leisure centre though. Steve Hart and Steve Gerhard returned from their trips looking relaxed and ready for the action. Zsu Zsu Mastin was strutting around with the air of a man who had seen a vision after his close encounter with the Pope on Rome. The lads played well tonight with Harry, Nigel, Dan, John, Chris, Peter, Bryn and myself joining the travellers in a Scouse Ron Rotation session (5 a side with the 11th player refereeing - players each take a turn to ref and rejoin the game on the opposite side to the one they left). No player stood out tonight in a quality session with some great moves and quality goals.
Bud Jackson is looking to return as soon as the lump on his leg subsides to tolerable size. Big game next Saturday at COMS when hopefully my beloved City will write off Chelsea's premiership hopes.

29th February 2004 : Leap year with the extra day today the 29th brought an exceptionally good night at the Leisure centre. Bryn, Disley, John and Paul formed the first team, Steve Hart, Steve Garrard, Chris, Malc Stubbs and myself the second team with Dan, Peter, Zsu Zsu Mastin, Matt and his mate the third team. The pattern set over the last few weeks was repeated tonight with some very tight games. Over the night I think Bryn's team shaded it although most games were decided by the odd goal. Matt's mate (I didn't catch his name) reminded me of a young Alan Scapens (in build), he had a busy debut but most of it spent on the floor due to playing in shoes that behaved like ice skates.  Player of the night was Ian (Disley) Lemonzic who played like a man possessed with skill, scoring at will, tackling like a real defender and passing some quality balls. Chris and Peter were the pick of their teams in undoubtedly the best session this year.
No Harry , Nigel, Scouse Ron or the expected come back of Mooro. Also Robbie has not been down for a while so maybe we may see some of them back next week for another super session.

 (left) Scouse Ron's holiday footwear being
          delivered by hand.

 7th March 2004 : I turned up late tonight and never recovered! I wasn't the only one but in my case I started slowly and got slower. Three teams this evening, Bryn, Disley, Paul and John - Peter, Harry, Nigel and Keith - Steve G, Chris, Dan, Malc Stubbs and myself. The quality of football at times tonight was bordering on dire but still played in good spirit and with great effort. Bryn's team were head and shoulders the top side with Bryn and John close MOM candidates. My team struggled to cope with my snail like pace but battled on gamely as did Peters team. But as Peter commented afterwards, it was like stemming the tide against Bryn's marauders. My high spot of the night was watching Harry wriggle and wind his way past players like a Whirling Dervish in full swing. My team decided after tonight we were jaded and needed a break, maybe a few days in La Manga for some extra ball work would do the trick....
Next week should see the return of Scouse Ron and Steve Hart but not Robbie. Robbie is still recovering from the "assassins" attempt at retribution, thankfully he escaped with his life but not from a damaged knee. He told me in an Email this week that he's hoping for a spring return, let's hope so.

14th March 2004 : Beating United at home is becoming a habit now for the glorious Blues. Even without the magnificent goat the boys managed a 4-1 win against our nearest neighbours. So it was a great pleasure to follow the game with a trip down to the Leisure Centre for a game with the boys. Three teams again tonight with Bryn, Scouse Ron, Paul, Kevin and Harry - Matt, Malcolm, Peter, Nigel and newcomer Mick (his shoes were bigger than Scouse Ron's in the picture above) - Steve H, Steve G, Chris, Disley, Zsu Zsu and myself. Loads of good games yet again played with great spirit with Bryn's team again just about shading it. My form was slightly better than last week but with 5 of us City fans in our team we were probably still on a high from this afternoons great result. Having said that Zsu Zsu the Charlton fan (our 6th player) was again suffering with his bad back but still looks happy in his new team now he has been lifted a level above the Mary's moaners. Poor old Harry had his first taste of Scouse Ron encouragement tonight but he survived to tell the tale. Harry looked sharper tonight and Peter had a good run out but MOM was a toss up between Paul  Garner and Matt. Tackle of the night was without a shadow of a doubt Chris 's dumping of Peter as the flying dentist attempted to speed past Chris on his wall - one winner as peter sailed through the air.....          More of this next week please, football with a smile and this week I'm laughing!!!

21st March 2004 : Only ten vets tonight seemed odd after our recent bumper turnouts. Still it was a decent session tonight with Bryn, Scouse Ron, Disley, Kevin and Zsu Zsu Mastin playing against Chris, Steve G, Malcolm Stubbs, Paul and myself. My form seems to have deserted me at the moment, I am starting to have a lot of sympathy for Michael Owen who like me doesn't appear to be getting the run of the ball at present. No such problems for Bryn's team tonight as they cruised to a 32 - 23 victory after 1 hours of non stop action. Steve and Chris worked hard for our team but they were flogging a dead horse as the opposition always kept us at bay. MOM tonight was Disley who even managed to place a few goals in as opposed to his usual howitzers. No John Goodwin again this week, I suspect a trip to the sun has been taken. Another odd sight today as Nigel was spotted sliding down the Skateboard ramps on the Recreation ground behind Swizzles. Maybe this was a training ploy to improve his suspect balance, I don't know, but it will be monitored in the next session.  In desperation I shelled out on a new pair of trainers today, maybe they need breaking in or perhaps a spot of dubbin, but I did notice they weren't as fast as my old ones!!!

28th March 2004 : After a weekend in Poulton Le Fylde at my daughters I rushed home for the Sunday night vets session at the Leisure centre. It was well worth the effort as it turned out to yet another quality evenings football. Disley, Harry, Nigel, Matt, Chris, Steve H, Steve G, Zsu Zsu, Paul, John and myself made up the eleven using the Scouse Ron rotation system. Disley's fine form continues and Harry is looking better each week tonight scoring a couple of well taken goals. For once Matt couldn't hit a barn door but still played well enough. My form is on the up thankfully and John Goodwins return from Fuerteventura was marked with a decent display. MOM this week was pretty easy to decide, Steve gerrard lashed in four crackers in one game and continued to score at an alarming rate as the evening progressed.  Oddest sight of the night was to see Disley throwing himself accross to goal to keep out one of my better efforts.
It's great to see the lads enjoying the games on Sunday evenings and there is no doubt the new players have added a good deal of quality to our sessions - long may it continue.

4th April 2004 : What a night as Mooro and the boys celebrate the old lads 60th birthday at the White Hart (Click the picture for a lager version of two old fat boys at the COMS). Moore was one of the original members who turned out on the first night all those years ago and played on until last year when his hectic lifestyle eventually caught up with him. Now a non playing super vet he spends his days working, golfing and generally having a pretty easy life punctuated with regular visits to Spain where he attempts to grab a granny or three. Well old Mooro, Get Your Kits out salutes you and makes you the first member of our Hall of Near Fame, which will appear on this site soon.
Due to Tony's night of celebration one or two faces were missing tonight which left us with a four a side session. The benches across the goals made an unwelcome appearance but the extra space gave me the chance to demonstrate my full array of playmaking skills. Chris , Nigel and Kevin English completed my side with Zsu Zsu Mastin, Dan, Matt and Paul making up the opposition. Sadly my team mates left their shooting boots at home as they wasted the host of chances my playmaking created for them. We hit the bar and post that many times that they were totally out of shape at the end. Zsu Zsu was in his element as his three young runners took advantage of our stately pace. We may have lost by the odd goal or two but the skilful side of the game should never be neglected and although a touch on the slow side, we never fell into the hoofing trap that the opposition caught us out with tonight.  Chris caught a serious shot square in the nuts which Matt, the Paramedic refused to treat!
MOM tonight goes to Matt, against a quality team he hit the net with unerring regularity.
Just a quick comment on April Fools Jokes - They are usually painfully obvious and boring but I noticed a rather good one in the SUN SPORTS SECTION at the end of the Sweden England report awarding Phil Neville a 7/10 for his performance. Now that was funny!!!

18th April 2004 : A good turn out tonight after our Easter break with thirteen vets and another new face. Keith, Dan, Disley and Paul made up the first team with Bryn, Scouse Ron, John, Kevin and new player Rob the second team. Steve Gerrerd, Matt, Chris and myself the third team.
What a pleasure it was to play in Steve's team this week, Steve and Matt were in great scoring form and I like to think Chris and myself played pretty well in what was easily the pick of the teams tonight. Only two defeats, one to each of the other two sides says it all. Paul had a steady game  tonight but Bryn, John and Kevin struggled to find the net. I thought the new player Rob had a really good first night although his shooting let him down a bit. Dan and Disley combined well together in their team and overall I think Disley shaded the MOM for the night.
I can't close without having a moan about my beloved Man City who yet again let their fans down with another dire effort at home. I've had 50 years of it it now so why should I ever expect things to change, but I do. I just want them to win a few games you expect them to win and maybe lose a few you expect them to lose, at the moment they just hardly ever win at all!!! 50 million pounds plus spent on this rabble we call a team should at least give you something decent to watch for your 25 quid. It's shit or bust at Leicester on Saturday, I've got an awful feeling it will be both.
Quote from Scouse Ron after Matt had left four defenders for dead before lashing in a real rocket past the keeper - "How boring was that!!"

25th April 2004 : It's been a strange week this week with Ron Atkinson getting caught "on air" blurting out racial remarks. He lost his job on ITV and with the Guardian for his slip of the tongue. Prince Philip has been doing this for years with no such retributions, Scouse Ron also regularly trots out his racial stuff at our foreign vets (well Scots and Cockneys).
Only seven vets this evening with Chris, myself, Keith, Paul, Nigel, John and debutant Keith Proudfoot. So it was three a side fora while until Rick joined us to make it fours. I found my form tonight as did John but MOM for the night I thought went to Nigel. He is certainly finding his feet now and played pretty well tonight but like me, tires in the last ten minutes. Keith Proudfoot made a decent start but tonight we had the benches out across the goals as dummy keepers and Keith being new thought you had to hit them to score. It was after about the forth game I noticed his shots were just rolled into the benches and Keith thought he was notching up loads of goals so I pointed it out to him. John was annoyed because he was going to leave it another 20 minutes before letting him know!!  In fairness it was a pretty decent run out at the Leisure centre this evening with Zsu Zsu and myself revelling in the extra space to show off our playmaking skills.
No Scousers or Jocko's tonight in fact a surprising number of missing players, Harry apparently was worse for wear after a late night hooch session on Saturday evening/Sunday morning, typical footballer! Lets hope they're all back next week.

2nd May 2004 : What a relief today as dirty Leeds became the third and final team to be relegated from the Premier Megabucks League. Now my beloved City can go into their final two games without the threat of the big drop hanging over their heads. It should allow them to play the free flowing and exiting football always associated with a Kevin Keegan team, muck like the the stuff served up by the Vets tonight at the Leisure Centre. There were some superb strikes tonight and no shortage of good football. Bryn, Scouse Ron, Kevin, the two Steve's, Bud (with a heavily strapped leg to hide the alleged Scouse Ron injury back in January), Paul, Harry, Keith and myself made up the teams which we rotated. Highlights included Harry's impersonation of Maradona on skates, some typical Jocko goalkeeping by Steve Hart and a couple of dying swans from Bud. MOM this evening was on the strength of two thudding strikes from Steve Gerrard early on to add to his regular supply of goals throughout the session. Scouse Ron also scored a beaut early on when he deftly flicked one into the top corner with his back to goal. Quality session this evening with another decent turnout on a Bank Holiday weekend, the same weekend last year only five bothered to turn out....  keep it up lads.

 It's Here at last Get Your Kits Out Zine 14 - yes the first of the back issues to be re-issued, this was one of my favourites so download it now and have a giggle or three. You will need  ADOBE READER installed on your computer to read or print it out, if you don't have it you can easily download it free from - COMING SOON ZINE 6 (a collectors piece)

DOWNLOAD NOW - Worse than Robbie?   AVI movie 707kb approx 6 mins @ 56k

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